blessed

There is plenty of material on losing a baby, but I can't seem to find much on my current situation.

Ladies, we are pregnant!!

I never expected it to happen just like that, but it did, and we are truly blessed, but I have many MANY MANY fears, it's so very scary to me now, and I'm hoping it does not over shadow my excitement. 

::Sigh::

A living human being is in my belly... 

:)

and I pray every evening, that I am able to protect this little one...

that we are able :)

THere aren't may words I can say at this point, I'm in bliss

and that is hard to articulate in words...

I wait, I watch

Nothing yet, no monthly visitor!!

I took a pregnancy test, and the results were not clear, so I've made an appointment with the Gyno for next week, in the mean time, I'm working on a few things :)

I've been searching for a desk job, maybe a receptionist. I'm sick of coming home sore, with blisters on my feet. I control a stock room, and with that comes responsibilities that frankly I don't care to control any longer. I have two interviews, 1) a dentist office downtown, I believe the dentist is McDaniel, and 2) at a chiropractor close to the house. I will lose my benefits if I quite, but the two full time jobs that I'm interviewing for have benefits that are available upon hire.

I've fell a little behind on my school work with getting the house fixed up, but I seem to be doing alright, I feel in control, more so than I have in weeks. But things are always on my mind, my angel is always on my mind, I carry so heavily on my heart...

Things are changing, we are changing, and it's a good thing...

more to come

Late...=)

Where are you monthly visitor?

I missed my period for the month of October!
It could mean a good thing, I have not been taking my pills. The husband and I decided we would try and fill these empty rooms. We dwelled in prayer constantly, and really felt that we are in a place [again] that we are ready to add to our family. I'm not going to get to excited, I may just be a bit irregular, but I'll wait until the 7th roles around, when my next "time" is due, and then go to the doctor.

There is a beautiful room down the hall, painted green, of which would love a little inhabitant I do believe =)
we shall see....

a prayer

There is no more than a mattress unpacked in this house, as we paint and work to make this place our own, and yet, with these blessings, I feel things are missing, and with this, I feel guilt.

and I pray,

"Lord, let your embrace be all I need to carry throughout this life. Let your healing hand rest upon my shoulder and my husband and I get past what was the hardest thing either one of us had to experience. Please, let your love be enough, and all other blessings be nothing more than things to enhance and already fulfilled existence. And finally let my angel be not my mourning carried so heavy on my back, but instead the love carried in my heart. Lord, give me strength."

I want to unpack in this home, and continue building upon our family. I want these walls to wittiness the love I know feels us, and never neglect what we have...

This is story not yet finished,

its only beginning :)

we decided

We are moving. 

It was only after my hubby running across a rent to own property in Ooltewah, TN that we decided it was time for us to move out of this apartment. We've already talked to the owners, and we are in the works. They are wanting to unload the house quickly, and we are more than ready to pick up the payments. We actually will be paying less that we are now in our apartment, so figure that one out. This all came about last week, Friday we decided we would go ahead with it. 

We don't need a loan, because it is rent to own, but we are getting a small one for furniture, because we only have a bed room suit and a living room suit. We have no appliances of our own, nor do we have well, anything else LOL! 

It is an older home, but it will be great to have for the our first one. because inside, it is really a blank canvas. So within the next two weeks we will moving in, as soon as the folks in there now can get the remainder of there stuff moved. 

Wednesday, they will be signing the home over to us for us to start picking up the payments, and maybe next Monday, we will start moving in.

I have not been happy in a good while, I mean smiling, happy, laughing, and feeling good. And this has truly allowed me to feel a bit better, which has allowed us to talk about trying again for our family, of which once we get settled, we will try. No hurry, I'm not going to whip our ovulation strips, or stock up on tests. But we will try, and what ever will be will be.

God has really blessed us with these things in our paths. I gave him my troubles, and he returned to us a plan.

What's going on?

I'm now 8 days late, I know that I may need time to get back on a normal schedule again, but I can't help to think that something may be wrong. The first thought in my head was of course being pregnant again, but I've taken 3 tests, and all were negative. I've made an appointment with my doctor, and will be going the 16th for some tests. First and foremost, a blood test, to get that option out of the cards, and then pending that, I guess I'll need an ultra sound and other such things. I know many things could be factors in affecting your period, but I can't help to think grim when my visiting friend misses her trip in.

This got me to thinking about being pregnant again, and the fear that would come along with it. I can't go on forever, and not try to conceive a health little bundle of joy. But I do understand I must heal emotionally first. I still feel sad, but the crying has faded as God's strength had sprinkled in. I know there is a plan, and nothing happens with out reason. My husband feels that we need to try immediately again, he feels as though it is the only way to heal completely, but I don't think he understands completely what exactly happened. For some reason I think he didn't grasp being a father, despite his excitement I feel he wouldn't had really grasped the concept until he was holding his baby. I'm not something he can help, and he's not a bad person for this, he's been nothing but supportive this whole time, but I feel maybe as much as I want him to understand, he never truly will. 

until next time

empty room

Yesterday, I went into the empty bedroom that would have been the nursery, sat down in the floor, cried, prayed, and asked for answers. I was in their for a good portion of the day it seems, and as I prayed, I came so some answers, and discussed them later with the husband.

I want to come back up to Chattanooga, I work their. The fact that I am taking online classes this semester, I have the opportunity to put in the paper work to transfer, without missing out on on a this term. My family is in Chattanooga, I would love to be closer, and we've been looking for homes anyhow. I want to use this to push us into better things. God has no mistakes, only plans, and I believe, though it's tough, that God is articulating a master plan for us.

What do you think?

lets try this again...

I'm angry, and I can't yell, I can't curse the one I'm angry at, because I don't know who I am angry at. I've asked myself a million times since this happened, "what did I do, whats wrong with me, why did this happen?" I thought, at first, when all my family was around that I could make it through this, but now I'm not sure. I thought I could say, God needed her more. 

Me? This isn't suppose to happen to me, to us...

I've been paralyzed, so quiet, talking to God. Praying for strength, begging for him to listen. I hope the strength I seek will come in time, but how could I possibly go on without this baby, my angel, someone I loved before ever seeing...

If it is Gods will that we have a family, our children will know about her, they will know that they have an angel looking down. 

Please Lord, I pray to you, give me strength

so hard...

I erased the previous blog because I am not as ready to talk about this as i thought...

Add me!!

I made a facebook :)

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1221380283&ref=profile

Cathy =)

I'm just now getting the chance to say that e found the perfect midwife, her name is Cathy. We visited her home yesterday, it's beautiful, and she is sooooo nice! 

She is older, and has been doing this for a LONG time, and I feel comfortable knowing that she has the experience and knowledge that assures a safe peaceful birth.

We've exchanged e-mails, so I can contact her whenever with questions and report things and changes immediately, we can also discuss such things as the option of water birth, and just everything that you can think of. I feel good about her, she feels like family.

When the time comes, my grandparents, parents, and his parents will be there waiting in the living room, just as they would at a hospital. Only my mother and Husband will be back with me, my doola, and Midwife in the "birthing room". That's as far as I've got... heh!

OH!!

Names, we've been thinking ALOT about names lately...

Some boy names we like are Bryce, Brendon, and Aiden

Some girl names we live are Caroline and Skyler

Note that this is subject to change about a million times

stretched

I haven't had a great deal to say lately, I've been so busy trying to pull off being in 100 places at once. I'm not overwhelmed though, I'm taking it easy when I need to. I'm learning :)

I'm meeting with another midwife today, this will be the second one we've spoke with. We'll see how it goes, and pray GOD puts that one person in our path that will help bring our baby into the world :)

Well, time for work!

Thats it!!

I will not rely on history to decide my feelings!!

If I can't be strong in the face of this, a minor something that happens to many women, then how can I possibly be strong for our baby when he/she gets here?

This evening, while I'm layed up in this bed, I'm putting my fears to rest. I will not be crippled by ifs and buts. I'm going to enjoy my pregnancy, tonight I'm going to search for our baby's furniture, and linens, somewhere where our baby can rest it's head at night. And in this next week, I will get DH in there to paint that room!! 

I'm not going to sit around fearful and feeling sorry for myself anymore =)

Braxton Hicks

I went to the emergency room last night...

They said I was having Braxton Hicks contractions due to stress :/

I'm on Bed rest for a few days, and They said to avoid stress, which means no business law class for me tonight, nor am I going to work until Thursday. 

I fear losing this baby more than anything, my entire family has had issues with conceiving and carrying a full term baby, it scares me to the point of avoiding the discussion of names, and nesting. Is that awful and selfish of me? My husband continues to be supportive, and encourage me to get prepared for our little precious. But it would kill me to have a beautiful room, all decorated in yellows and greens, with the drawers stocked, and there be no baby..

I know, GOD willing, this child will be fine. But the thought that something could happen is always in the back of my mind.

Please pray

Beautiful birthing video

This was the most amazing video I've found so far =)

http://childbirthvideo.biz/2008/08/homebirth-video/

Exercise

I've started walking on a regular basis. I get an hour lunch, so normally I eat for 30 and walk for 30, I find it helps me with the my heart burn. 

Heart burn has been the only symptom I've had, I've not been sick, and I've only gained a few pounds, no tender breast... just heart burn. I hope this pregnancy stays easy.

I've been watching ALOT of birthing videos, and have so many question, but I'm just so afraid to ask, I feel a little dumb asking.. I don't know...

Anyways, Thats all for today 

Have a pleasant day all

Something I'm interested in =)

http://www.yourwaterbirth.com/la-bassine-birthing-pools-la-bassine-®-birthing-pool-with-custom-fit-liner-p-4.html

I've thought a lot about investing in a tub for water birth, as we find out more and more about giving birth at home. What do you think? 

One time on TLC, I saw a couple give birth in a flowing river out in the woods, it was insane. I couldn't do that, but it seemed like such a spiritual thing between the two of them. 

Hippies... Gotta love them!

introductions

After reading so many blogs on here, I finally decided to write my own. If nothing else, this will be a good thing to look back on after the baby is born, by the way, I pregnant!! 

I still say I'm pregnant like I didn't know, like no one knows. My husband, Jeremy and I, thought for a while we may not be able to conceive, which makes this time even more joyous.

Its a funny story, we spent almost two years trying to conceive, we weren't in a hurry to have a baby, but we were emotionally and mentally ready. We decided to let the Lord take hold of the timing. Well, a year went by, then many months more, and I decided to go to the doctor to get things checked out. The doctor came back in and said, you should have no problem baring a child, seeing as, you are already 6 weeks pregnant. Well, I bursted out in tears, telling her, thats no funny, and asking if she was serious. Of course she said yes, and I had to tell Jeremy. 

After leaving the doctors, I rushed to the Bank, where Jeremy is an accountant, and went into his office, shutting the door behind me. And he told me, "Oh my Lord, your pregnant!" I shook my head yes, and he grabbed me up and blah blah blah, mooooooshy baby lovey stuff lol.

So here I am, almost 4 months pregnant, and my due date is the 23rd of December. We're both hoping for a home birth