a prayer

There is no more than a mattress unpacked in this house, as we paint and work to make this place our own, and yet, with these blessings, I feel things are missing, and with this, I feel guilt.

and I pray,

"Lord, let your embrace be all I need to carry throughout this life. Let your healing hand rest upon my shoulder and my husband and I get past what was the hardest thing either one of us had to experience. Please, let your love be enough, and all other blessings be nothing more than things to enhance and already fulfilled existence. And finally let my angel be not my mourning carried so heavy on my back, but instead the love carried in my heart. Lord, give me strength."

I want to unpack in this home, and continue building upon our family. I want these walls to wittiness the love I know feels us, and never neglect what we have...

This is story not yet finished,

its only beginning :)

we decided

We are moving. 

It was only after my hubby running across a rent to own property in Ooltewah, TN that we decided it was time for us to move out of this apartment. We've already talked to the owners, and we are in the works. They are wanting to unload the house quickly, and we are more than ready to pick up the payments. We actually will be paying less that we are now in our apartment, so figure that one out. This all came about last week, Friday we decided we would go ahead with it. 

We don't need a loan, because it is rent to own, but we are getting a small one for furniture, because we only have a bed room suit and a living room suit. We have no appliances of our own, nor do we have well, anything else LOL! 

It is an older home, but it will be great to have for the our first one. because inside, it is really a blank canvas. So within the next two weeks we will moving in, as soon as the folks in there now can get the remainder of there stuff moved. 

Wednesday, they will be signing the home over to us for us to start picking up the payments, and maybe next Monday, we will start moving in.

I have not been happy in a good while, I mean smiling, happy, laughing, and feeling good. And this has truly allowed me to feel a bit better, which has allowed us to talk about trying again for our family, of which once we get settled, we will try. No hurry, I'm not going to whip our ovulation strips, or stock up on tests. But we will try, and what ever will be will be.

God has really blessed us with these things in our paths. I gave him my troubles, and he returned to us a plan.

What's going on?

I'm now 8 days late, I know that I may need time to get back on a normal schedule again, but I can't help to think that something may be wrong. The first thought in my head was of course being pregnant again, but I've taken 3 tests, and all were negative. I've made an appointment with my doctor, and will be going the 16th for some tests. First and foremost, a blood test, to get that option out of the cards, and then pending that, I guess I'll need an ultra sound and other such things. I know many things could be factors in affecting your period, but I can't help to think grim when my visiting friend misses her trip in.

This got me to thinking about being pregnant again, and the fear that would come along with it. I can't go on forever, and not try to conceive a health little bundle of joy. But I do understand I must heal emotionally first. I still feel sad, but the crying has faded as God's strength had sprinkled in. I know there is a plan, and nothing happens with out reason. My husband feels that we need to try immediately again, he feels as though it is the only way to heal completely, but I don't think he understands completely what exactly happened. For some reason I think he didn't grasp being a father, despite his excitement I feel he wouldn't had really grasped the concept until he was holding his baby. I'm not something he can help, and he's not a bad person for this, he's been nothing but supportive this whole time, but I feel maybe as much as I want him to understand, he never truly will. 

until next time