lets try this again...

I'm angry, and I can't yell, I can't curse the one I'm angry at, because I don't know who I am angry at. I've asked myself a million times since this happened, "what did I do, whats wrong with me, why did this happen?" I thought, at first, when all my family was around that I could make it through this, but now I'm not sure. I thought I could say, God needed her more. 

Me? This isn't suppose to happen to me, to us...

I've been paralyzed, so quiet, talking to God. Praying for strength, begging for him to listen. I hope the strength I seek will come in time, but how could I possibly go on without this baby, my angel, someone I loved before ever seeing...

If it is Gods will that we have a family, our children will know about her, they will know that they have an angel looking down. 

Please Lord, I pray to you, give me strength

so hard...

I erased the previous blog because I am not as ready to talk about this as i thought...

Add me!!

I made a facebook :)

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1221380283&ref=profile

Cathy =)

I'm just now getting the chance to say that e found the perfect midwife, her name is Cathy. We visited her home yesterday, it's beautiful, and she is sooooo nice! 

She is older, and has been doing this for a LONG time, and I feel comfortable knowing that she has the experience and knowledge that assures a safe peaceful birth.

We've exchanged e-mails, so I can contact her whenever with questions and report things and changes immediately, we can also discuss such things as the option of water birth, and just everything that you can think of. I feel good about her, she feels like family.

When the time comes, my grandparents, parents, and his parents will be there waiting in the living room, just as they would at a hospital. Only my mother and Husband will be back with me, my doola, and Midwife in the "birthing room". That's as far as I've got... heh!

OH!!

Names, we've been thinking ALOT about names lately...

Some boy names we like are Bryce, Brendon, and Aiden

Some girl names we live are Caroline and Skyler

Note that this is subject to change about a million times

stretched

I haven't had a great deal to say lately, I've been so busy trying to pull off being in 100 places at once. I'm not overwhelmed though, I'm taking it easy when I need to. I'm learning :)

I'm meeting with another midwife today, this will be the second one we've spoke with. We'll see how it goes, and pray GOD puts that one person in our path that will help bring our baby into the world :)

Well, time for work!

Thats it!!

I will not rely on history to decide my feelings!!

If I can't be strong in the face of this, a minor something that happens to many women, then how can I possibly be strong for our baby when he/she gets here?

This evening, while I'm layed up in this bed, I'm putting my fears to rest. I will not be crippled by ifs and buts. I'm going to enjoy my pregnancy, tonight I'm going to search for our baby's furniture, and linens, somewhere where our baby can rest it's head at night. And in this next week, I will get DH in there to paint that room!! 

I'm not going to sit around fearful and feeling sorry for myself anymore =)

Braxton Hicks

I went to the emergency room last night...

They said I was having Braxton Hicks contractions due to stress :/

I'm on Bed rest for a few days, and They said to avoid stress, which means no business law class for me tonight, nor am I going to work until Thursday. 

I fear losing this baby more than anything, my entire family has had issues with conceiving and carrying a full term baby, it scares me to the point of avoiding the discussion of names, and nesting. Is that awful and selfish of me? My husband continues to be supportive, and encourage me to get prepared for our little precious. But it would kill me to have a beautiful room, all decorated in yellows and greens, with the drawers stocked, and there be no baby..

I know, GOD willing, this child will be fine. But the thought that something could happen is always in the back of my mind.

Please pray